Daily Ramblings – Wisdom Wednesdays – We Create Our Own Hell

Tags

Drowning, Empathy, Exploit, Helplessness, satisfaction, The Pit, Unchanging

“Toxic people attach themselves like cinder blocks tied to your ankles and then invite you for a swim in their poisoned waters.” ―John Mark Green

My Mom and I were talking about some people we have run across during our lives. Some of these people are just stuck. They neglect themselves and wake up one day in a pit that is so deep they cannot get out. Some of these people persist in the escape. Others give up and get comfortable.

I remember the scene in the movie Titanic where all the passengers are in the icy waters of the Atlantic. They are frantic and terrified. One of these passengers attempts to use Rose to stay afloat, pushing Rose’s head under the water. Jack arrives on the scene and punches the passenger, rescuing Rose. The people you run into that are drowning in their self-constructed pits, will try one of two things. If they are trying to escape their self-constructed pit, they will try to use you as a stepladder. If you let them, they will suck you into the pit with them. If they are one of those people that have given up, they’ll invite you in and try to get you to stay for a while.

All of us have empathy. We feel each other’s pain. If one of our friends is in trouble, it is natural for us to reach out and help. Unfortunately, the person I have described above will not appreciate your help. They are “happy” with their lot in life. Their pit is comfortable for them. They may tell you they want to change, but deep down they do not, will not, or cannot change. They have dug a pit so deep, they will not escape from it.

When you run across a friend that wants your help, help them. Give them some advice. Point them to a book or a blog article they could read. Send them an online class or a YouTube video that has a “how to” to help them with their problem. Watch what they do with this help. If they follow your advice, awesome! You have a friend that truly wants to help themselves. If you follow up with them in a day, or they follow up with you, ask them how the video, blog posting, or YouTube video was and what they have done to solve their problem. If they have done nothing with it, you probably have a friend who is the person I described above. They will not change and are happy with their current circumstances.

It is frustrating to deal with people like this. They say they want help but do nothing with the help or advice you give them. A week, a day, a month, or a year from now, they will still be in the same or worse place. Why? Because they are happy where they are. They are comfortable in their pit. Their pit is horrible to people like you and I, but they have adapted. They have made do. Their pit is so comfortable that they no longer have the courage or ability to leave. Cut these people loose. They are so convinced that their pit is a nice place, they will continue to pull you in. Leave these people alone. They will not change. You cannot save them. They are happy living in the hell they have created.

Until next time…

Dave

Daily Ramblings – Complaint or Solution?

Tags

Complaining, Helplessness, Hopelessness, moving forward, problem-solving, Solutions

 

“Don’t find fault, find a remedy” – Henry Ford

 

It is so easy to nitpick a solution to a problem or a process. It is so easy to complain about other people or something we don’t like. It is so easy to be a complainer.

 

But, like anything easy, it comes with some huge disadvantages. The first is the inability to see anything positive in a situation. Complaining compels us to look for the bad situation, the bad solution, the bad person, the bad in everything. Who complains when things are going good right?

 

The second major problem with complaining is the constant reference to the activity, item, action, or person we complain about. This complaining, particularly if we have no solution, escalates our complaining to a level that brings about a feeling of helplessness, hopelessness, and feeling bad about ourselves (Winch, 2012).

 

We rarely complain to the people that can solve the problem is the third disadvantage. When we lack a solution to a problem we are complaining about we tend to vent to our friends or relatives—people who cannot solve the problem. Why? Because we want someone to validate our emotions. This does bring temporary relief, but does it solve the problem? No. So we move to the next phone call or meeting over coffee and continue to relive our problem over and over and over.

 

Like Ford’s quote suggests, there is a solution. Complain to people who can do something about your problem or issue. If you don’t like a process or program in your company, approach the person who set the process or program. If you don’t like the way you are treated by someone, tell them. If you don’t like the service you are getting at a restaurant, request to speak to a manager.

 

Suggestion: Have a solution. If you don’t like a program or process, design a different one that will benefit the organization—then sell it! If you don’t like how someone treats you, pull them aside and tell them how you would like to be treated. If you aren’t getting the service you like, request to speak to a manager and explain what your expectations are when visiting their restaurant.

 

Will these solutions be effective? Not all the time. However, it is much more efficient to solve a problem and present it, rather than coming up with an easy complaint and talking with people who cannot solve your problem. If your solution doesn’t work, you can work with your manager and perhaps come up with a better solution than you came up with. You can approach HR in your company to help a person who is mistreating you see the light. You can avoid a restaurant in the future that didn’t meet your expectations.

 

Personally, I do not like the feelings associated with helplessness. I believe there is always a solution to a problem. Complaining is ok occasionally. Habitual complaining is unhealthy and an absolute waste of time. For more information, see the article referenced below. It is a good read if you are looking to improve your outlook on life and want to learn to complain effectively.

 

Until next time…

 

Dave

 

Reference

 

Winch, G. (2012). Does complaining damage our mental health? How the way we complain impacts our mental health. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201201/does-complaining-damage-our-mental-health