Daily Ramblings – Wisdom Wednesdays – We Create Our Own Hell

Tags

Drowning, Empathy, Exploit, Helplessness, satisfaction, The Pit, Unchanging

“Toxic people attach themselves like cinder blocks tied to your ankles and then invite you for a swim in their poisoned waters.” ―John Mark Green

My Mom and I were talking about some people we have run across during our lives. Some of these people are just stuck. They neglect themselves and wake up one day in a pit that is so deep they cannot get out. Some of these people persist in the escape. Others give up and get comfortable.

I remember the scene in the movie Titanic where all the passengers are in the icy waters of the Atlantic. They are frantic and terrified. One of these passengers attempts to use Rose to stay afloat, pushing Rose’s head under the water. Jack arrives on the scene and punches the passenger, rescuing Rose. The people you run into that are drowning in their self-constructed pits, will try one of two things. If they are trying to escape their self-constructed pit, they will try to use you as a stepladder. If you let them, they will suck you into the pit with them. If they are one of those people that have given up, they’ll invite you in and try to get you to stay for a while.

All of us have empathy. We feel each other’s pain. If one of our friends is in trouble, it is natural for us to reach out and help. Unfortunately, the person I have described above will not appreciate your help. They are “happy” with their lot in life. Their pit is comfortable for them. They may tell you they want to change, but deep down they do not, will not, or cannot change. They have dug a pit so deep, they will not escape from it.

When you run across a friend that wants your help, help them. Give them some advice. Point them to a book or a blog article they could read. Send them an online class or a YouTube video that has a “how to” to help them with their problem. Watch what they do with this help. If they follow your advice, awesome! You have a friend that truly wants to help themselves. If you follow up with them in a day, or they follow up with you, ask them how the video, blog posting, or YouTube video was and what they have done to solve their problem. If they have done nothing with it, you probably have a friend who is the person I described above. They will not change and are happy with their current circumstances.

It is frustrating to deal with people like this. They say they want help but do nothing with the help or advice you give them. A week, a day, a month, or a year from now, they will still be in the same or worse place. Why? Because they are happy where they are. They are comfortable in their pit. Their pit is horrible to people like you and I, but they have adapted. They have made do. Their pit is so comfortable that they no longer have the courage or ability to leave. Cut these people loose. They are so convinced that their pit is a nice place, they will continue to pull you in. Leave these people alone. They will not change. You cannot save them. They are happy living in the hell they have created.

Until next time…

Dave

Daily Ramblings – Ted Talk – Steven Pinker – The Surprising Decline in Violence

Tags

Empathy, Genocide, Life span, Mutual Benefits, Steven Pinker, Torture, Violence

Today’s Ted Talk is from Steven Pinker. He examines why a decline in violence has taken place over the last century and offers some explanations why we think it hasn’t.

Until next time…

Dave

Daily Ramblings – Spiritual Saturday: When to help and when to listen.

Tags

Complaining, Empathy, Fixing, Listening, problem-solving, psychology, wisdom

“As we come out of our childhood of spirituality into greater states, we learn to let people be.”—Harold Klemp The Language of Soul

I have always struggled to empathize with people who complain. I always want to jump in and fix whatever is ailing them. What I have discovered is that people do not want to have their problems fixed for them. They want to be listened to, in most cases.

Today, I still struggle with this. In hindsight, I guess I have discovered that I am uncomfortable with people complaining. Complaining is a very negative and victim-like act, in my opinion. It is very frustrating when you run across someone who continuously complains about the same thing endlessly. It’s like these people are frozen in time, trapped in an endless loop without end.

I was watching a YouTube video a while back. I cannot recall the person’s name or even the YouTube video that I was watching but a conversation came up about one of the things he did to get along better with his wife. He said, “We came up with a way to identify what type of conversation we were in. I simply asked my wife whether this was a listening conversation or a solution conversation.” This was ingenious. The husband literally asks his wife whether he was to listen and empathize or listen and help her solve a problem. What a great way of doing things. If we are aware, we can pick up on these things and use them in our own lives.

Here’s a link to a great article about complaining: Psychology Today Article

If you continuously find yourself complaining about the same things, this article will help you understand the fruitlessness of this act. This article also explains how you relive what you are complaining about each time you complain. Talk about driving something deep into your psyche.

So, what are the lessons for today? Complaining is harmful if you are not using it to affect change in your life. There are two types of conversations: 1) Conversations where a person wants to complain and be listened to and empathized with; 2) Conversations where a person wants to complain in order to seek an answer to a question or find a solution to their problem.

If a person complains and asks for help, help them. If a person complains and does not ask for help, listen and empathize. People evolve and grow in unique ways. We have no right to jump in and advise, judge, or fix something they are totally capable of fixing. Let them be.

Until next time…

Dave

Daily Ramblings – Spiritual Saturday

Tags

Empathy, Help, letting others be, Listening, non-interference

“As we come out of our childhood of spirituality into greater states, we learn to let people be.”—Harold Klemp The Language of Soul

Each of us is a unique being. We may possess similar traits to others in our circle but none of us are the same. We each arrive at the present day in our lives with baggage, nicks, cuts, and bruises—life can be tough sometimes. Each piece of baggage, each nick, each cut, and each bruise are an experience. These experiences add to the fabric of our uniqueness.

What is our first reaction when people complain to us? Give them a suggestion or try and help them solve their problem. What is the first reaction when you see someone struggling with something? We want to jump right in and help. In some cases, the help is welcomed; at other times it is not, even if the person you are trying to help doesn’t say anything out of politeness.

Regardless of your religious worldview, each path prescribes a way to be more God-like. There are things you can do and there are things you cannot do. Another reason for our existence here is to learn.

Have you ever been working on a crossword puzzle only to be told the answer to a part of it without asking for help? Have you ever been given advice when you didn’t ask for it? Frustrating isn’t it?

This is what letting others be means. If someone solicits your help—help. If they do not—do not. Some people need to struggle with their answers. We cheat them if we jump in and interfere without their permission. This is what non-interference means.

Non-interference means that we only help when people ask. We let people deal with their lives, their problems, and their issues and concerns on their own until they ask for help. If we jump in too quickly we cheat them out of the learning, the experience, the struggle they are here to get through.

In many cases, people just want to vent and be listened to. People want to be validated–to be understood. They aren’t looking for charity or help—they just want to be listened to. When a person wants your help, they will give you some indication that they need help. If they ask for help or advice, give it to them at that point.

Here are some things that will happen if you interfere when a person is not looking for help. They will resent your help. They will stop telling you about their problems. They will stop contacting or connecting with you. No one wants to be preached to.

Give people the physical and psychological space to work out their own problems. Believe me. When they want your help, they will ask you. In the meantime, be a shoulder to lean on. Be a person who will listen and empathize with them without judgment. Over time your relationship will grow stronger and they will come to you when it’s time.

Enjoy your Saturday! For my American readers, enjoy the Labor Day weekend! I hope everyone is taking the time to connect with friends and family, getting out and about, and recharging the batteries for your start of the work-week on Tuesday.

Until next time…

Dave

Daily Ramblings – Saturday Ted Talk – Trust

Tags

Authenticity, Empathy, Frances Frei, Harvard Business School, Logic, Trust, Uber

Frances Frei gives a heartfelt presentation on how organizations and even each of us can build or repair trust with our friends, our colleagues, and within every organization. Enjoy!

Until next time…

Dave